Diapering: The Art of Negotiation

Lately getting my 13-month-old daughter to lie still for a diaper change has become a challenge. The second we even approach the changing table, she begins plotting an escape that makes the jailbreak from Shawshank Redemption seem like an amateur operation. Rather than get frustrated with the situation, I prefer to view it as our simply having conflicting goals. As such, we should be able to resolve the problem using the fine art of negotiation:

Step 1. Understand each party's motivation. This can be accomplished by clear, open communication:
Mom: Baby, I know you want to wander around naked, but until you learn to use the toilet, you need to wear a diaper.
Baby: Mother, you fail to understand my inherent need to assert my individuality and achieve the most basic of human rights, freedom. It's incumbent on me to...Wait! (spotting a previously unseen piece of plastic) What's that over there? Why is it not in my mouth? Who's responsible for this oversight?!

Step 2. Make an offer.
Mom: Look, it's Mr. Mouse doll! (Wiggling doll in Baby's face while making a ridiculous squeaking sound.) Isn't he INTERESTING? Isn't he FUN? Isn't he the best mouse in the entire world?
Baby: Well, as far as rodents go, I'm sure this one is acceptable. And since you're making such a valiant effort, I'll give you 30 seconds to do your business...but then all bets are off.

Mom frantically removes baby's diaper and begins cleaning the mess. Midway through the operation time runs out...

Step 3. Up the ante.
Mom: Look, it's a paper towel roll! What could be more interesting than a paper towel roll? It's all yours...but remember, no eating paper.
Baby (grabbing the paper towel roll with glee): A paper towel roll! Sweet, beautiful paper! First, I'm going to make confetti and throw it all over the floor. Then I'm going to see how much paper I can unroll. And then, the very best part of all...

Baby begins stuffing pieces of paper in her mouth and chewing with noisy contentment.

Step 4. Bring in the heavy.
The last resort, but always a winner. In comes Dad, the ultimate distraction. Perhaps he'll rationally explain to Baby why diaper changing is so important. Perhaps he'll distract her with a discussion of the ramifications of credit default swaps. Perhaps he'll stand on his head. It really doesn't matter what he does; he's Dad. Face it ladies: nine months of pregnancy, many more months of nursing...and nothing is more exciting than an impromptu appearance by Dad. But that's OK, because two minutes later, and Baby is diapered, dressed, and ready to tackle her next mission, rearranging the Tupperware cabinet. The negotiation has concluded, and everyone is a winner. Now go clean up that paper towel confetti!